Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
