She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
