the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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