im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
