I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
