if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
