Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
