When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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