Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
