Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
