This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
