I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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