I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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