I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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