apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
