he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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