My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
