If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize