i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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