Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If its not for food we ain't going out.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
