Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
