I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
