saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
