Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
