Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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