I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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