I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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