Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
