I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize