my phone needs a breathalizer
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
