No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
and she was petting her beer can
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
