I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
