I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
