i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i think my mom watched the whole time
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
