she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
