I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
