I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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