i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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