You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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