I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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