I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize