New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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