I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
