Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
