There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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