there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
