You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
