my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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