My liver just broke up with me...
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
