Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
There's always time for handjobs
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
