Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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