I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
