we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Everclear isn't food dammit
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
