Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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