Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
