if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
