how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
