Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
