You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize