I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My hand turned me down
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
