So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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